Endings, beginnings

Wow, I really took a hard fall off the Nab lo, po' mo! wagon, didn't I?

In my defense, I have been knitting up a storm. Knitting to the extent that I am nearly finished with the Cinnabar pullover. Currently both sleeves are being increased on my absurdly long #6 circs, the back and front have been seamed at the shoulders, and the placket and collar have been placketed and collared. I'm really looking forward to being done with this sweater,not only because I think it's going to be beautiful and delight-inducing to Mama P, but because after it's finished, I can get started on Sara's Next Big Idea.

Getting Big Ideas is something I do a lot of. Following through with them, on the other hand, not so much (See Nab lo, 'po mo!). It seems that the major killers of my Big Ideas are most often 1)laziness, 2)telling people about them, and 3)insecurity. I'd wager that numbers 1 and 3 are really common amongst most would-be Big Idea havers. Big Ideas are fine when they exist only in your head, but once you decide to act on them, it means putting yourself and your Idea on the line, out in public for everyone to see. Number 2 is a little trickier, and is arguably the biggest stumbling block for me. For some reason, when I tell the public at large that I am going to do something, it becomes exponentially harder for me to do it. I have absolutely no idea why this is, and it's something I absolutely have to get over, because you can't go through life living entirely in your own head, can you?

When I was younger, that is how I lived, pretty much. I existed intensely in my own world, and I moved through life with filters of my own devising firmly in place. Maybe it's because I was so shy (to this day, meeting new people is really scary for me and I have a difficult time making conversation.) Over the years, my imagination and I have learned how to live with each other, despite countless nights lying awake in bed with my mind working on overdrive to scare itself senseless. There are good things about it too, though--I have always been happy being by myself, and my ability to tell myself stories has served me well over the years. I think the hardest thing for the creative (and talented or not, I am creative), is moving something out of a realm of infinite possibilities (i.e. your brainbox) and creating a hard copy in real life. I've always been good at the Idea part, it's the realization that I have trouble with, because when a first attempt doesn't coalesce to my satisfaction, I get discouraged.

I want to go back to school. I want to go to school for apparel design. But, I'm scared that I'm not good enough.

Thus, my Next Big Idea. I have been having a lot of ideas lately for a "collection" of pieces, and I've been making sketches of all of them in my ratty old notebook. I have to say, I'm getting really excited about these ideas, so here is my plan:

1) Finish Cinnabar
2) Start work on my collection
3) Use collection as a portfolio for applying to design school

In addition to it being a good idea to have a portfolio of pieces I am proud of, I think that finishing a whole lot of self-designed pieces will bolster my self-confidence about my abilities. I'm not sure if I'll write patterns for any of them, since that is not ultimately what I want to do, but I might. Also, I'm not sure how much I'll be posting on the Internets about these new projects because, for now at least, it feels very personal.

Dang, I sure wrote a lot of words. If you made it to the end here, I tip my hat to you!